Light Eaters
How to feed the wolf
From my window this morning, I watch the Carolina wrens flit back and forth between the lush greening of the wild meadow and their home in the nesting box. Surely their eggs from this—their second—brood have hatched. Are they feeding the little ones? How many down-covered bodies huddle together in that little box? I missed the precise time they moved in because we were out of town, so I have failed to keep track of incubation and growing time. They checked this box out at the beginning of nesting season, but decided to build their first nest elsewhere, much to my disappointment. Why have they settled here now? I wonder all these things as I watch and listen to their teakettle song from a nearby tree. I have resisted peeking in on the small family, choosing instead to embrace the mystery and wonder of their presence. I want them to come back next year.
I received a scolding from papa earlier when I lingered in the garden nearby. My garden is a mess this year. I was late getting it in and then we had weeks of heavy rains. The leaves on my Roma tomatoes are already spotted with blight, and the beefsteaks are coming in as small green stones. I have fertilized and pruned and even sung to these green things, but they remain unhappy. I don’t know what I did wrong and I am sad that I will not have my Tomato sandwich rich August this year.
I don’t even want to talk about the squash bugs.
The sweet 100s look great, though, and my peppers are already giving. I will comfort myself with dreams of this tart and pickled jalapeños.
We had thunderstorms on and off for three days but the last two have been hot and dry. The yard is finally drying out and my coneflowers and tall phlox were happy for a drink this morning. Yesterday, I watched a chipmunk frolic under the drooping leaves of my flowers. I had a good view through the kitchen window, and I had trouble tearing myself away. The chipmunks were gone from our yard for several years and it makes me happy to welcome them back. When he disappeared, I crept out with a cup of sunflower seeds and left him a gift. Sure enough, it didn’t take long for him to discover the store. How lovely to watch his cheeks expand as he stuffed them full.
It has been a stressful week for many reasons and I am learning that waking up in the wee hours of the morning with a heart disturbed by anxious thoughts seems to be my new normal. Last night I dreamed I was walking beside a mirror and caught a glimpse of my reflection that stopped me in my tracks. I looked so sad—red eyes, tear-stained face, wrinkled brow… I wasn’t aware I’d been crying. The image shocked my dream self and I have been sitting with it this morning. Am I sad? Yes, it is true I am sad about many things. Some existential, some personal, and there have been days it is difficult to get out of bed. But I am also happy about many things. Remember that Native American story about the two wolves who live inside each of us? One of light, one of darkness? How they battle every day and the one that wins is the one we feed.
Maybe you have been like me this week—having a difficult time going about the usual. Maybe the mundane tasks of everyday life feel meaningless. Or maybe, also like me, you have caught glimpses of the sacred in each small moment, coming to understand how big these little things really are. This is how to swallow the light.
I am trying.
May we live with our eyes wide open to the beauty in each passing moment. May we love with our whole hearts, holding nothing back. May we speak out against injustice and seek to comfort in grief.
Teach us to number our days, Oh Lord, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. (Psalm 90:12)
I went through days like you’re going through a couple of weeks ago. I can relate. The chipmunk and wren photos are adorable! Thank you for sharing!!
Oh the squash bugs! Every year I think maybe I’ll have a nice crop of zucchini and then they hit.